A Is For 'Awkward'

(Filed under “At least I’m not as socially awkward as this mother.”)

A mom approaches Kostyn, Evan and I at the playground. Her daughter, who looks to be about Kostyn’s age, is climbing all over the kiddie slides. Instead of engaging me in conversation, she turns to Kostyn, who is wearing a bright green shirt with the alphabet on it.

Crazy Mom: That’s the perfect shirt to have worn to Sesame Street today!
Kostyn: [blank stare] (He’s watched “Sesame Street” a few times, but not enough to recognize the name.)
Crazy Mom: They were looking for the alphabet!
Kostyn: [gives me a look, walks sideways away from her, I motion him back toward the slides]
Crazy Mom: (Turning toward me) Did you watch it this morning?! (The exclamation mark is there because she really did ask me excitedly.)
Me: (doing my best to be social) Nah, not today.
Crazy Mom: Oh!! They were hunting for the alphabet, ya know, A, B, C was over here, and then Big Bird found D and E....
Me: [Nodding, eyebrows raised, small smile]
Crazy Mom: (continuing without taking a breath)....oh it was really cute. And then Elmo came and he was looking for the letters and Zoe.....
Me: [Eyebrows still raised, no longer listening, constructing blog post in my head]
Crazy Mom: ....blah blah blah.... And THEN this detective drives up, Detective ABCDEF....XYZ, ya know, the whole alphabet, and he says.....
Me: [Beginning inner monologue: “Seriously? This woman is giving me a play-by-play of a “Sesame Street” episode? We are adults! Shouldn’t this recap be about “The Real Housewives of ANY CITY THAT DOESN’T INCLUDE MUPPETS” or something??]
Crazy Mom: ....blah blah blah...and then blah blah BLAH...[hahaha]...Ohhh it was so funny.
Me: Wow. Huh.
Crazy Mom: (chuckling) When that detective showed up everyone was so excited. Ya know, his name had all the letters, ABCDEFGH....well you know, all the way to Z, and blah blah...
Me: [Wait. Waaaait, she isn't just recapping, she's explaining this to me, this scenario of what to do if one is ever searching for the letters of the alphabet. One should hire a detective! Preferably one whose name includes all the letters of the alphabet one is looking for. Ohhhhh good God get me out of here....]
Crazy Mom: But then I had to leave the room and I didn’t see how it ended!!!*
Me: [Smile frozen on my face, tilting head back, faking sympathy. Or something.] Oh No!

Then she notices her kid has wandered over to the swings, so she does the same, and I’m left there to glance around in case any other sane parent has overheard this most bizarre exchange. Alas, there are only toddlers (and Evan) nearby. I’m beginning to think maybe that’s for the best.

*When I relayed this entire exchange to Chris over lunch later that day, I got to the part where she says, with waaaay more distress than is called for, “...and I didn’t see how it ended!!” he looked up from his sandwich and deadpanned, “X-Y-Z.” I love him. That is all.