Thanks, God

When I look at this picture I can hardly believe what I’m looking at. It keeps hitting me, over and over, that I’m a mother of two. I know, I only had nine months of pregnancy to get used to the idea, and seven weeks of living it so far, so you’d think it really should have sunk in by now.

In everyday life, it has sunk in. The juggling of twice the diaper changes and naps and meals and baths and cuddle time is becoming more and more instinctual, and for that I’m thankful. But on a grander scale, I still have a hard time believing this is the life I’m living.

I never really pined for kids. I wasn’t ever against them, and I went through phases during my adult life when I really thought I wanted to be a mom someday, but I don’t recall there ever being a feverish burning desire to procreate. If my biological clock’s alarm was going off, I must have subconsciously been hitting the snooze button.

But a funny thing happened when we found out I was pregnant the first time. I was astounded, for sure, but also quite unexpectedly ... elated. This incredible calm came over me. I think it was because I knew God was steering my life in a direction that I was consciously too scared or selfish or insecure or just plain oblivious to take. (I’m not saying everyone should be a parent, and if you’re not, you’re oblivious; I’m just saying that I was meant to be a parent, I just didn’t know it until I became one.) I had the normal first-time mom jitters, but deep down I knew I’d love being a mom. And I did.

From the moment I became a mother of one, I silently hoped to become a mother of two. I wasn’t sure if it was in the cards for us, but this time I really did pine for a child. I wanted my son to have a sibling. In my daydreams of our family’s future I imagined two kids. Two kids wrestling on the living room floor, sleeping in bunk beds, racing around the yard, telling on each other, and making up silly games in the back seat of the car on road trips.

And then an even funnier thing happened when I got pregnant the second time. After the initial thrill of seeing that “+” sign on the stick, I panicked. There was no sense of calm. There was no sense that God knew what he was doing. There was only terror and insecurity and something that bordered on regret. I was unsure about bringing another baby into the world, and into our family, and into my everyday life. I hoped that as the pregnancy went along those fears would subside, but they never really did. Not totally.

So it was surprising how downright ecstatic I was when I met Evan. It shocked me how excited I was the first day I was alone with both boys, finding my way through a new hectic daily routine. And every day since, it hits me over and over how unbelievably lucky I am to have this life, this blessed life.

All I'm sayin' is ... I look at these two beautiful faces every day and I thank God that He’s in charge.

Kostyn's leaning in for a kiss, though Evan looks a little skeptical...


Lis said...

Love it!! Again, you have a great way of putting every feeling in words. You are most blessed.

Lyn said...

Those boys are too really lucky kids. Imagine how great it will be for them to read all of these words some day when they are older and maybe having children of their own!

Heather said...

You always say exactly what I am feeling. Especially now with TTC, I sometimes wonder if its the right thing to do. Thankfully you have a way with words, and reading your posts always calm me down.