Wanted: A good laugh

Because I threw myself a pity party yesterday, I thought I’d post something today to make everybody laugh.
I’ve been painstakingly pawing through more than 50 reporter candidates' resumes and cover letters for the position I have open on my staff. I just hired my top pick, but in finding her I also came across quite a few lemons.
Here’s the Best of the Worst from the resumes I received. Enjoy.

• From someone who hasn’t settled on her own byline yet:
Good Morning,
My name is Vivi or Vanessa.

• From someone who just doesn’t want a curfew:
Dear Mrs. Robyn Passante,
Graduation is around the corner, and going back to my mother’s house just isn’t an option.

• From someone who is clearly making a difference in her community. And keeping track.:
....By way of mail and e-mail, I received seven notes of thanks from members of the community for various stories I wrote.

• From someone who thinks the way to an editor’s heart is through her stomach (he’s not far off):
Some cover letters read like zealous introductions to recipe books. No wonder editors skip the commentary and go straight to what’s in the pudding....
......Also, if you’re interested, I could share with you an old family recipe for a simple, delicious pudding snack — with or without the commentary.

• From someone who needs to proof his cover letter:
My passion for journalism grew from a love for current events, politics and of course writing. That is why I would like to apply for the reporter position at the Daily Courier that was posted on Journalismjobs.com.

• From someone who needs to proof his resume:
EDUCATION: Bachelor of arts: College of Charleston
Expected graduation: May 2005

• From someone who needs to learn the English language before he gets a job writing it:
A resume from Rakesh K. Singh in New Delhi included this stat:
Marital status: Double

• From someone who I’m clearly not worthy of having on my staff:
Dear Robyn,
I’m not one to brag, but you should know that I’m the third best living writer in the world. (If you want to count the dead, I’m number 14.) While most writers would be thrilled with such a ranking, I’m not satisfied. Why? Because I have yet to fulfill my number one goal: to work for you at The Island Packet.

Same guy (still not worthy. And did he just call me ‘baby’??):
....To summarize, I’d like to quote Bob Dylan: “You need a dump truck, baby, to unload my head.” Yeah, my head’s full of that many ideas.

• And my favorite. Read til the end ... it’s worth it. (What are scotch tape stories, anyway? And isn’t that a trademark?):
A pair of smarty pants, some sweaty armpits, a Google sniffing nose for trends and a fat kid showcasing talent in an eating contest.
The above list contains four items with no obvious relationship, except possibly as the punch line for a bad joke. But the four actually have one thing in common – it’s what defines me on a typical work day in the newsroom.
I am interested in the features writing position being offered at the Island Packet because much like a fat kid in a candy store, I am in my element when it comes to producing scotch tape stories and ideas that are clear and sticky. My penchant for informing readers is only rivaled by my uncanny knack to strike with comical kicks to the jowl in my writing. I know the importance of using nontraditional media to capture an audience and I can creatively use public records to find exciting stories. I pound the pavement to find trends, meet kooky people that nobody knows about and then I drop an anvil of interesting prose on a reader’s head.

These are PROFESSIONAL WRITERS, people. Sheesh.