A new partner

We had our first dance a few days ago, Evan. Kostyn was out of the house, playing with his cousin, and we were all alone. Just us and the dog and the cat, a quiet afternoon in a quiet house, which I know will be hard to come by for the next 18 years or so.

I should have napped, or written thank-you notes, or dusted the furniture, or piled all my maternity clothes into a box for Goodwill. But I didn’t do any of that. Mostly I sat and stared at you, and caressed your skin, and watched out the front window for your brother to return.


I dance with Kostyn a lot, and we definitely have songs that, in my heart, will always make me think of him and I, and that special bond we share. And I didn’t want our first dance to be to one of those. I wanted it to be ... well ... ours. Luckily I’d downloaded a few new tunes (not new-new, just new to me) for the labor playlist that I didn’t end up using in the hospital when you were born, and one of them seemed like a perfect way to introduce you to mama’s arms on our tiny dance floor in the living room of this old rental where you are starting your life’s journey.

So we swayed and spun around to “The Aspidistra Flies” by Stars as the warm March sun shone through the front windows and the dog watched us without moving, for once. You fell asleep about halfway through the song, which I played again after our dance was done. And then again, sitting on the couch holding you, listening to your tiny breath, imagining all the dances that will matter to you in your life, and hoping that maybe if I write this one down, it will someday, somehow, seem important to you, too.

All the umbrellas in London couldn't hide my love for you
All the rain on tentside couldn't stop you shining through
I dreamt of you last night, lying next to me in blue
All the umbrellas in London couldn't hide my love for you