I have a newfound respect for stay-at-home moms. I seemed to sail through pregnancy trouble-free. I had a long but very manageable labor and delivery. And I have a pretty contented baby boy who eats well and lights up my life. So I didn't expect the sense of dread and sadness that hit me like a brick wall on Monday when Chris went back to work. I'd been happily caring for my newborn for two weeks just fine, hadn't shed a single tear of frustration or exhaustion. But when I was left alone with him, I was overcome with a feeling of inadequacy. I felt trapped.
I did fine with Kostyn that morning (although he stubbornly refused to take a nap), but as soon as Chris came home for lunch, the tears started and would not stop. Suddenly, the poor guy had two babies on his hands.
Granted, I'm sure my breakdown had a lot to do with hormones and sleep deprivation. But I think motherhood is part instinctual, and part learned. It's a strange thing, to have your entire life change overnight. It takes awhile for your mind to catch up...to make your peace with the fact that you can no longer do simple things -- like shower, send an email, make a sandwich, go to the bathroom, get up to reheat your coffee -- whenever you want. Everything is dependent upon when the baby is sleeping, or when he needs to eat again, or whether he's crying to be held. For 34 years I pretty much did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Boy are those days over! :)
A good workout and an hour "off" from mama duties seemed to clear my head yesterday, and today -- though ironically he's been fussy and unhappy -- my perspective has been much better.
I fall in love with my son every time he looks at me. But learning to love this new lifestyle is a bit of a challenge.
6 comments:
It gets better. Honest.
And it's more hormones and sleep deprivation than you realize. I know when you're going through it the whole hormone thing sounds like you're just making excuses, but I found that after a couple of weeks went by I felt much better about everything.
I know you're a super mom, and soon you'll have the whole routine down to a science!
Well, I certainly can't speak from experience, but I know you're not alone. Every single mom I know (new mom, old mom, whatever) goes through it. What I find refreshing is your awareness of it - thanks for not faking your way through it. See, you're a fantastic mom already :)
Robyn- After seeing you and Kostyn today ... WOW! You're an amazing mom already. He's one lucky, little frog-legged, diahrea-projectile butt rocket, pee-on-stranger's-paints boy!
Love you!
I had almost the identical situation happen. I ended up thinking "What have I done?" I didn't know what to do with myself! Or Leah, for that matter...
Of course now, more than a year later, I can't remember my life without her...
Hi Robyn! Hope you don't mind Sheila pointed me here - it's Kristen (you know, from high school).
I can say with absolute certainty, it gets so much better. And, then you will have new things to worry about. But, I promise, you will be able to shower much more freely in the near future.
Congratulations on the beautiful little guy!
Hey Kristen (And Lyn!) - thanks for stopping by, and for the encouraging words. I've been meaning to write a new post saying how utterly in love and comfortable I am now with staying home all day with him. It's great!
Kristen, I hear you've got a great blog ... I'll have Sheila tell me the address so I can check out yours!
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