Blech


That's the only word I can use to sum up Pregnancy No. 2 thus far. Morning sickness sucks, and the name itself is insulting. Morning sickness, as if somebody (probably male) wanted to downplay its effect on your every. waking. moment.

I didn't really suffer (yeah, I said 'suffer'...should I have warned you that this is a bit of a pity party post?) from morning sickness with Kostyn. I'd get queasy if my stomach was empty, but a quick handful of peanuts or a cup of yogurt or a granola bar would do the trick.

But this time, I'm just generally queasy all the time. An empty stomach makes me nauseated, but so does a full stomach (God definitely has a sense of humor). Watching TV makes me nauseated. Brushing my teeth does, too. And any music with a harmonica or banjo (don't ask me .. I don't make the rules). And when the front of my collar brushes against my neck. And when I sit too far forward and my stomach is crunched. And when my son digs his knees into my gut when I'm carrying him. And when he presses into me when he's sitting on my lap.

So I walk around feeling like I have a constant hangover. Do you know how hard it is to eat healthy when your body is always screaming "Dude!? Hung over! Taco Bell!" That's another weird thing about this pregnancy -- I don't want any of the staples from my previous diet. Last time I loved my daily salads, yogurt, cheese and crackers, peanut butter toast and fresh fruit. Now, nothing appeals to me that's cold. Salads, fruit, yogurt, this stuff turns my stomach. And I'm not craving sweets either. Chocolate doesn't even appeal to me.

Yeah, I know! I'm No Longer Craving Chocolate.

This is just weird. I'd keep ranting about it, but I'm feeling queasy, and I need a snack.

Gulp

In a stunningly spontaneous move, I chopped off several inches of my hair on Saturday. Well, I didn't chop it off, the kind lady at the salon did. I brought two pictures with me so she could see what I wanted; what I ended up with is at least two inches shorter than either of the pictures.

Still, I liked how it turned out. At least, I thought I liked how it turned out, until Chris took this picture and I downloaded it and stared at my new coif on film. Now I don't want to leave the house until I get those two inches back.

I'm not fishing for compliments here (Swear!), I'm just sayin'...isn't it weird how we see ourselves differently on film than we do in the mirror? Why does it take seeing a photo of ourselves to notice what we truly look like ("Holy cow, when did I get that fat?!" "Wow, I'm bald." "Oh my goodness, I had no idea I had crow's feet!"), when we actually see ourselves every day? It's strange, is all I'm sayin'.

And not that there's a huge difference, but I definitely like the bathroom mirror 'me' better than the digital camera 'me.' Must be that dimmer on the light switch in there...

Dumbass

That’s me.

I took Kostyn back to the library’s lapsit program this morning, against my better judgment because I’ve been dealing with constant mild nausea for a week now. But our area rarely has anything interesting for kids his age, and I thought I should make the effort. So I packed snacks for both him and I, drinks for both him and I, and drove the 30 minutes to the library. (The one in our town doesn’t have the program. Slackers.)

By the time we were done with the 45-minute program, another 15 minutes of finding five small board books to check out, plus the 5 minutes it took Kostyn to walk back to our car, I was lightheaded and feeling pukey. Juggling my keys, purse, toddler and books, and trying bravely not to retch right in front of the Children’s Room windows, I set the books on the roof of the Element (you can see where I’m going with this...), opened the car, got the baby strapped into his seat, scarfed down a chocolate Pop-Tart and fed KO some Cheerios.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized the books were not in the car. I frantically called the library, apologizing and explaining what had happened (leaving out the pukey part). The woman gasped something like “Oh, no!” as if the potential loss of these five little bedtime books were going to force the closure of not only the lapsit program but the entire Children’s Room. She said she’d ask if anyone had turned in any stray books. I told her exactly where I’d parked my car and asked if someone could go take a look outside.

She called me back an hour later saying nobody had turned in the books, and she’d sent an intern out to check the premises and he’d come back empty-handed.

I said, “Oh, I am so sorry. What do I need to do if they’re not found?”

She replied, “Oh, I hope they’re found. Because it’s a $20 fee for every book you lose, plus a $5 processing fee per book.” (Which my husband later informed me had just gone up to $7, according to a story they’d recently run in the newspaper.)

I said, “Twenty-five dollars for one little five-page board book?!”

She said she was sorry (with a little too much sympathy in her voice, if you ask me) but that was the rule.

So for five little books lost, that’s at least $125 ($135 if Chris is correct). I looked up just one of the books tonight on Amazon and it’s $5.99 brand new, or I could buy it used (which, remember is the condition of the ones I lost) for as cheap as 1 cent (plus shipping).

You know I’m gonna be fighting this one.

And then there were four


So, I'm pregnant! I spent the last week brainstorming clever ways to drop that little number into a random post, and the best I could come up with was this:

"So, Chris has been complaining about how exhausted he is lately. He's worried he's gaining weight. And the other night he had such a craving for Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch that he went to the store for a box and some milk, and ate two bowls of it for dinner.

You know what all of that means: I must be pregnant again."

While all of that is true, and while, just between you and me, I find my husband's phantom pregnancy symptoms to be both endearing and annoying, I decided to just spill it. It didn't seem like announcing the creation of new life needed to come with a side of humor, or be delivered with some witty punchline.

So there it is. We're having a baby.

Holy crap! We're having a baby.

The first person I told was Kostyn. I took the pregnancy test one evening while Chris was getting the boy bathed and ready for bed, so when I went into Kostyn's room to nurse and snuggle him before night-night, I whispered it to him in the dark once we were alone. "You're going to be a big brother," I said as we rocked. "Your daddy doesn't even know yet." I told him what a big job that was, and what a privilege, and how I hoped they'd be best friends and always have each other's backs.

And then I started to cry. Because in that moment I felt like I had dropped the "baby" from my baby boy. He was now a "big" brother. Something between us had silently shifted just the slightest bit, if only in my mind, and I felt horribly guilty for bringing someone else into our little gang of three.

"But you will always, always be my special little guy," I whispered, sniffling. "Mama loves you so much, Kostyn. So, so, so much."

We sat and rocked silently, as his eyelids started to droop. I smelled his skin and tried to imagine holding and nursing and loving another child, but I couldn't. And that was just fine with me, for that moment.

Don't misunderstand: I was thrilled to find out I was pregnant. We had wanted another child; the grand plan was to give Kostyn a sibling, someone to grow up with, and grow old with. For weeks before I found out, all I could think about was the baby. Would God bless us with another child? What would it feel like to be pregnant again? To hold another newborn? Would another little boy look just like Kostyn? Would a little girl look like me?

But since I found out, all I've been able to focus on is Kostyn.

I know it's a common fear that parents of one child (or two or three) have when they are expecting another -- How can I possibly love another child as much as I love this one? Am I going to be short-changing my older son of my time and attention and love? How will I have enough of everything to go around? Will he resent me, and his sibling? How will he understand when I need to care for the baby instead of play with him, that he is no less important to me than he was before?

And everyone says the same thing: You worry about all those things, and then magically, miraculously, your heart just expands to love every child endlessly. Your lap can fit them both, your arms wrap around both. Your prayers and dreams and hopes double, in a beautiful way.

I believe that is true. And I wait anxiously to feel it.

That night I said goodnight to Kostyn using the same words I have every night since he was born: I kissed his face and said, "I love you, more today than yesterday. And even more tomorrow."

I've often thought about saying that to him when he's 12, tucking him in after a day when he's broken something in the house or disobeyed me; and saying it to him over the phone when he's 19 and calls to confess that he's gotten into a fight or failed Algebra 101 or something.

But I'd never imagined it meaning as much as it did that night.

Engineer in Training

I couldn't resist taking some shots of one of his block stacking playtimes a couple days ago. After placing every single block, he turns to us and smiles with such pride, the smiles are contagious. And he can stack them taller than he is!











The crooked smile is my favorite.


And they all come tumblin' down...

OK, back to the kid

(Here's a sneak peek at my column for Sunday's paper. May you enjoy it more than I enjoy reading "Goodnight Moon.")

Reading routine is comforting in world of changes

I don’t want to brag or anything, but I can recite several books — that’s every word, on every page — from memory.

Granted, many of those books have “peekaboo” flaps to lift or fuzzy ears on the pages, but still, I’m counting it as a talent.

Motherhood saps many a brain cell, but it cannot damage your rote memorization skills. On the contrary, it hones them — with the help of your toddler, who likes nothing better than to read the same book over and over and over and over, until every image and rhyme are burned into your brain for all time. Until you find yourself reading the book using foreign accents to amuse yourself, not your son. Until you lie in bed at night trying to lull yourself to sleep in the dark: “Goodnight comb, goodnight brush, goodnight nobody, goodnight mush.”


“And goodnight to the old lady whispering, ‘Hush.’”

When my son showed an early affinity for books, the literary side of me swelled with pride. Even in the first weeks of his life, reading a book to him would soothe and entertain. He was just 5 months old when he started turning the pages for me, and about that time he also started showing his preferences. I’d hold up two books, and he’d slap the one he wanted me to read.

Slap! “Goodnight Moon.” Slap! “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” Slap! “The Very Hungry Caterpillar.”

And so we read, over and over, the story of the bunny saying goodnight to the moon; and the one of the brown bear seeing a red bird and the red bird seeing a yellow duck; and the one about a very gluttonous caterpillar eating his way into a stupor.

I bought him new (and used) books once a month or so, and some of those became fast favorites. But his tried-and-true standbys stood the test of time. I assumed he’d eventually want more elaborate illustrations and more text on each page.

I was right to a point; he does like more detailed books and rhymes than he did in those early months. But he is still not sick of the likes of “Brown Bear.”

But I am. Boy, am I.

Finally, I decided I needed some new material. Maybe he’s still picking the same books because we don’t have enough variety, I reasoned. So it was with great expectation that I brought my son to the Bluffton Branch of the Beaufort County Library last week for its Lapsit program for babies ages 8-23 months. Kostyn was about the youngest one there, and he had a ball.

The fun part for me came after the program ended, as I piled my arms high with new material to check out from the Children’s Room. Lift-the-flap books, touch-and-feel books, books with real animal pictures and books with hokey illustrations. A book about farm animals (his latest obsession) and one about dogs (his permanent obsession).

I brought home more than a dozen new books that day, and giddily stacked them all on top of his old ones in the book basket in his room. Then I waited with anticipation for storytime, anxious to see his face light up when he realized he had all new books to see and explore.

But when the time came and I held up two new books in front of him, he didn’t giggle like his mother. He pushed both books away. I tried to offer two different new ones, and he shook his head and started to whine. Then he scrambled off my lap and crawled over to his book basket and began throwing books out of it. He tossed and dug and heaved until he found what he was looking for, which he pushed across the rug and held up to me: “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?”

I couldn’t help it: I rolled my eyes at a sweet, innocent, Brown Bear-loving 1-year-old. (Then, obviously, I obliged his request.)

The thing about living with, and reading to, a toddler is that because he can’t explain himself, many of his little quirks and habits seem foreign and frustrating, when in actuality they are very similar to the quirks and habits of the big, literate person on whose lap he sits.

Repetition and familiarity, it turns out, are just as important to me. It’s how I learn, just like a toddler. It’s also how I relax, just like a toddler.

I’m willing to bet my son doesn’t roll his eyes from his high chair when he sees me flipping to the same pages — box scores, then celebrity news — in the same newspaper every day. Or when he sees me eating the exact same breakfast — fruit smoothie, black coffee, English muffin — every morning.

I watch the same TV shows week after week, listen to the same playlists on my iPod, and visit the same Web sites during the course of my day. Sure, the content within those things changes, but it’s the familiarity that draws me to them. I know what to expect, and there’s a level of comfort and control in that.

Likewise, amid a world that’s especially big and unpredictable to a 1-year-old, Kostyn delights in the power and comfort of knowing exactly what Brown Bear is going to see.

So with as much empathy as I can muster, I’ve been reading “Brown Bear” and “Goodnight Moon” with more gusto than ever these days. I guess I’m trying to appreciate this phase of his development while it’s here, as it is no doubt a mere moment in the grand scheme of things.

Plus, I’m in no hurry for the next phase of his development, which I’m told involves him demanding to watch the same movies again and again and again, until I can recite 90 minutes’ worth of animated dialogue by heart.

Please tell me there is no movie version of “Goodnight Moon.”

Random

Enough with the kid already. Let's get to the real important stuff.




You Are Barbeque Sauce



You are a social person. You enjoy cooking for other people.

You are both skillful and competitive. You enjoy mastering hard tasks.

You appreciate complexity more than simplicity.



Your taste in food tends to lean toward interesting flavors.

You appreciate exotic spice combinations. You tend to like cutting edge, fusion cuisine.

You get along with all personalities from a distance. Except salsa personalities, who always seem to annoy you.


(It really is my favorite condiment. If such a thing there be.)




Your Theme Song is Beautiful Day by U2



"Sky falls, you feel like

It's a beautiful day

Don't let it get away"



You see the beauty in life, especially in ordinary everyday moments.

And if you're feeling down, even that seems a little beautiful too.


That's just kickass...




Your Blog Should Be Purple



You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.

You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.

You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.


So, um, what's new with you?

Happy Birthday Smarty Pants!


(My sister prefers her kid's name not be used on the Internet. Hence, the nickname.)

My nephew, Smarty Pants, turns 3 today. Three years old. I use the nickname 'Smarty Pants' affectionately because he's, well, he's extremely smart. Of course ALL the kids in my family are gifted :) but Smarty Pants is quite something to be around. He says things like, "Mama, my potato is sitting on top of the tines on my fork." Yeah, "tines." He uses words that friends my age don't know.

For his birthday dinner tonight, sweet little Smarty Pants requested Tandoori Chicken. Not hot dogs or mac'n'cheese or ice cream sundaes, but a few weeks ago, at the dinner table, he came out with "Mama, I think this Tandoori Chicken would make an excellent birthday dinner!" It's an Indian dish I'm quite certain most other preschoolers in America have never even tried. Hell, I have never even tried it, and I'm decidedly older than Smarty Pants.

So. To my sweet little Smarty Pants, the one whose brain works faster than his tongue can get the words out, the one who is enamored with construction equipment and loves to cook in his play kitchen, know this: Your Nina Robyn loves you very, very much. And misses you terribly.

Happy Birthday, Little Bear.

PS - Just for your birthday, your cousin Kostyn decided to give his parents a gift — the gift of him walking all on his own. He started right after we hung up the phone from singing "Happy Birthday" to you. We are all very excited. Video to come....

The Age of Reason


I'm in love with watching my son. It's funny how little ones progress, slow as inchworms yet quick as a blink, in the way they reason things out. Kostyn is now doing lots of reasoning, and it's so much fun to watch.

He's always been great at remembering things you point out to him. He's been able to point to eyes, nose, mouth, teeth, tongue, feet, toes, etc. etc., for months and months. He can do the same with all sorts of animals learned from his books, from zebras to pandas to cats, and even a couple colors, too (his favorite is red). And he's always known exactly what toy we're referring to when we ask him to go get something, or which room we mean when we say "Let's go into the kitchen!" He understands the words we're saying, and responds accordingly with an ear-to-ear grin every time.

But the gaps he's now filling in are more subtle. When I ask him where his knee is, he pats it with confidence. But the other day when I said, "Where's your other knee?" He studied the one his hand was on, hesitated, then patted his other knee.

When he's stacking blocks, he adjusts as he goes. He'll put one block on another, and then when he has yet another in his hand, he'll study the stack first, and if one seems a bit off-kilter, he'll nudge it gently toward the center so the stack will stay sturdy.

I'm not saying he's a genius, as I'm sure most other kids his age are doing similar things. It's just amazing to watch the brain develop, to see his little hands, eyes and facial expressions coordinating more and more with his mind, which grows by leaps and bounds every day.

Going ... nowhere. Fast.


Have you ever found yourself working incredibly hard for something that feels very real and yet isn’t real at all? Something that’s this close to being totally concrete, but in reality is just a fantasy?

This, in a nutshell, is my life right now. A life in total turmoil, a life in flux, and yet....nothing has actually changed or is definitely changing. It’s strange, to say the least. The phrase “spinning my wheels” came to mind several times this weekend, as we touched up paint and washed baseboards and cleaned out cluttered closets and boxed a whole lot of our possessions, piling those boxes in the garage until we move to our new home.

Which does not yet exist.

What does exist is this house, the one we’re killing ourselves sprucing up (God in heaven we watch way too much “Designed to Sell” on HGTV), the one that I took one look at two years ago and said, “This is my dream house. I’m buying it and living here forever.”

Two years later, there are boxes marked “Master Bedroom” and “Misc. Kitchen” in the garage, and a pile of old clothes and furniture ready for a garage sale.

So, what happened?

I don’t know. George W. Bush happened, with his God forsaken War to Nowhere that has tanked the economy and ultimately put my husband’s job in jeopardy. And Kostyn happened, which made our long-standing yet not overly serious goal of “moving closer to family” much more, um, serious.

Layoffs have begun at the company Chris works for, and although he’s given them nearly 10 years of time, talent, passion and persistence, he sees the writing on the wall. At some of the company’s other newspapers, his position has been eliminated. We're betting there are more layoffs to come. And with him being the main income (and health insurance) provider, we can’t afford to wait around and hope for the best.

So here we are, thinking this must be the nudge we need to make that move north. And so we begin to plan. Except, oh yeah, he doesn’t have a new job to go to yet, nor do we know when, or even if, he’ll get the ax at work. Plus, in today’s economy, as you may be aware, it is tough to sell a house. So there’s that.

But sell we must, as nobody will pay in rent even close to what our mortgage payment is. So we clean, and we paint, and we de-clutter. We talk to a local Realtor about our options, and we gulp at the commission we have to pay her, and gulp harder when we find out that our neighborhood’s developers have felt the economic crunch too, so much so that they’ve dropped the price of new construction homes. So we paid more for the home we bought used (built in 2004...purchased by us in 2006) than it would cost a new buyer to have built brand new today. Oh, and the average home is sitting on the market for 120 days.

Super.

So, the plan is to get the house on the market, pronto. Find a buyer. Pray to break even. Unload the mortgage, and, thus, the monetary ties to this state. If Chris is still working and the house sells, we’ll rent, save money, and wait. Wait for God to show us where we’re supposed to go.

The obvious fear, of course, is that his job is in fact safe, and that this little fact will be made clear to us, tragically, after we sell my dream house. But the thing is — and I can see my atheist friends shaking their heads at this — I have total faith that it will all work out. God has placed us exactly where we were supposed to be, every step of the way. And he’ll do it again. It might be tight. Great sacrifice might be on the horizon — crimping of styles and tightening of wallets and all of that.

But oh, the daydreams I’ve been having. Of living in a state where one can enjoy the month of August (and June and July and September, for that matter). Of visiting my sisters more than once or twice a year. Of Kostyn growing up with his cousins. Of tailgating with my Penn State family — and their growing families — every single year, more than once a year! Of escaping for an entire weekend to Saratoga to veg on Sheila’s couch, to drink wine and laugh and reminisce, and not have to hop a flight to do it.

Of course, I’ll miss my Lowcountry friends dearly. And I’ll miss the fall here. And the way the drive up Bay Street into downtown Beaufort still makes me sigh with wonder at the beauty of this place.

But we’ll be back. To visit, definitely. Hell, maybe we’ll end up retiring here.
Or, perhaps we won’t leave at all.

Spin, spin, spin.

Toddlin'

This was taken a few days ago. He's gotten a lot better at balancing since then, and takes about 5 or 6 steps unassisted. Just a matter of time before I'm chasing him.

Like father, like son

My next house must have a basement, because I can see my future, and it involves two side-by-side drum kits.